which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
