I accidentally had phone sex last night
What a fucking waste of an outfit
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
