ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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