also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
It's official drugs can't kill me
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Randomize
