I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Randomize
