I want to have your abortion
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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