It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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