Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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