Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Randomize
