Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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