theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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