haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
Randomize
