Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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