I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
