I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Randomize
