So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
