you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
Randomize
