its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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