I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
