Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
