the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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