he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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