you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
