This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
