a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
