i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
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