ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
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