Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
