And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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