I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
