i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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