Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
