6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
