maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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