It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
