I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
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