I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
