Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Randomize
