Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
