On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
