Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
