I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I need to stop coming to work sober
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
