did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
