I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
