i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
