i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
