It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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