Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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