12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
