I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
