oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
