I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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